Clearly I'm terrible at blogging....
A little less than two years ago, I wrote my very first post. I had hoped to create a habit of communicating some of my stories. Instead, I had what I'm going to call an "off year". I took a gap year from life for all sorts of reasons and, while I still may not blog often, I'm definitely back from the fog that was 2016.
It just seems fitting to use my rejuvenation to follow up on that 1st post. I hope you go back and read it. Then share it. I have very, very few regrets in my life, but I really wish I had known about PMDD sooner. Even just giving it a name changed my life, let alone finding others with it and being able to research it and understand it and, eventually, get rid of it. I hope someone reads my story and identifies enough with it to know that there is hope.
I studied this disorder almost on a monthly basis, so I was watching when the DSM 5 included PMDD in it's list of disorders in 2012. It was considered a "win" as now it could be treated as a disease. However, classifying it as a mental disorder felt wrong to me and I was able to find some studies that were finding that there are physical indicators and that it appears that there is an issue with how your body handles (even normal levels of) hormones. It was at this point that I realized that an oophorectomy leads to no symptoms and so, in 2015, I happily made that happen!
Fast forward to today...I read that the NIH published new findings that prove a physical difference:
I cried when I read that.
It's not in your head - it's not something you can control - IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN CONTROL
After decades of being told "You're not strong enough" or "why can't you learn to control your emotions" and, even worse...telling myself "I'm not strong enough", I feel exonerated.
I know that this is just the beginning of more studies that will figure this demon out. But for me, I'm only a support person at this point because, yes, my 2015 surgery resulted in full alleviation of the symptoms! During the surgery, they discovered two sizable, benign tumors, endometriosis and adenomyosis. All reasons that I had extremely painful periods over the last few years and, according to the surgeon, would have likely caused me to need an emergency hysterectomy. The doubt I expressed in my 1st post was just needless worry - this was always the right plan.
Did I lose that part of me that made me "me"? Do I miss the erratic craziness of what I could be? I made myself wait a full year before I took stock of my emotional stability. During that year I had some real challenges (plague, anyone?) and some true losses (being left by the living is hard), but I can say with utter confidence...No and NO! I'm still working on the fallout left after decades of attempting relationships of any kind while dealing with PMDD, but I'm so lucky I've gotten the opportunity to grow more and more as Me without fighting that monthly demon.
It just seems fitting to use my rejuvenation to follow up on that 1st post. I hope you go back and read it. Then share it. I have very, very few regrets in my life, but I really wish I had known about PMDD sooner. Even just giving it a name changed my life, let alone finding others with it and being able to research it and understand it and, eventually, get rid of it. I hope someone reads my story and identifies enough with it to know that there is hope.
I studied this disorder almost on a monthly basis, so I was watching when the DSM 5 included PMDD in it's list of disorders in 2012. It was considered a "win" as now it could be treated as a disease. However, classifying it as a mental disorder felt wrong to me and I was able to find some studies that were finding that there are physical indicators and that it appears that there is an issue with how your body handles (even normal levels of) hormones. It was at this point that I realized that an oophorectomy leads to no symptoms and so, in 2015, I happily made that happen!
Fast forward to today...I read that the NIH published new findings that prove a physical difference:
“For the first time, we now have cellular evidence of abnormal signaling in cells derived
from women with PMDD, and a plausible biological cause for their
abnormal behavioral sensitivity to estrogen and progesterone,” explained Schmidt
I cried when I read that.
It's not in your head - it's not something you can control - IT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU CAN CONTROL
After decades of being told "You're not strong enough" or "why can't you learn to control your emotions" and, even worse...telling myself "I'm not strong enough", I feel exonerated.
I know that this is just the beginning of more studies that will figure this demon out. But for me, I'm only a support person at this point because, yes, my 2015 surgery resulted in full alleviation of the symptoms! During the surgery, they discovered two sizable, benign tumors, endometriosis and adenomyosis. All reasons that I had extremely painful periods over the last few years and, according to the surgeon, would have likely caused me to need an emergency hysterectomy. The doubt I expressed in my 1st post was just needless worry - this was always the right plan.
Did I lose that part of me that made me "me"? Do I miss the erratic craziness of what I could be? I made myself wait a full year before I took stock of my emotional stability. During that year I had some real challenges (plague, anyone?) and some true losses (being left by the living is hard), but I can say with utter confidence...No and NO! I'm still working on the fallout left after decades of attempting relationships of any kind while dealing with PMDD, but I'm so lucky I've gotten the opportunity to grow more and more as Me without fighting that monthly demon.
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