"You should blog" they say....
... or at least that's what my Dad says. Of course, I had always planned to... someday... when I had something interesting to put out there. But at that point in time, I was settling into my "real life" phase of my life. So, from my perspective, there was nothing to tell. I had job. I had a husband. I had a house. What was there to say?
You might start to think that this first post should be about why I'm starting this blog now. That would make sense. But have you ever tried to start a blog? It has been much harder than I expected. The thought of writing down your thoughts sounds like a great one, until it goes from thoughts to paper. What finally prompted me to start doing it is a much bigger subject than just one post, so I will focus on something more topical... my surgery.
If you are a FB friend, it's likely that you know I have scheduled some surgery in a few weeks. A lot of people don't know why, and they've asked. I think that it's worth sharing a bit of the story...
My surgery is a full hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy. In other words, it's allll coming out.
I keep getting asked if I'm worried about it at all. Aside from my friend, Superwoman (and you know who you are!), people can have some significant healing time. As it is, I'm scheduled for 2 nights in the hospital, and they say to schedule 2 weeks away from work.
But, no, I'm not worried about the surgery at all. I'm so excited about it. Giddy, actually!
Except that I am scared of one thing.... I'm losing a part of me. I'm not worried not the physical part... I've never wanted to produce my own children, so all the parts coming out are spare parts I won't miss. But I'm losing the part of me that I've wanted gone for so long - this "other person" I become. I'm losing my PMDD.
PMDD is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. It's usually likened to PMS because that makes it easy to explain, but it is different. It's a relatively newly identified disorder, and not very well understood. What we do know is that the symptoms are caused, not by abnormal hormone changes (as in PMS), but by how your body reacts to those hormones when they change. A body with PMDD is going to overreact to even normal hormone changes. Do you know how much a woman's hormones change during the month?!? Let's stay non-technical and just say "a lot"!
It's when the luteal phase hits (approximately 10 days before the first day of shark week, aka "Day 10") when things get exciting..... My parents used to say I was a roller coaster of emotions. One moment I was happy, maybe even ecstatic. The next moment I was sobbing with a grief that no one could ever understand. I felt like every thing I said was the wrong thing. I was such an idiot and I know that everyone saw that. I was also brilliant and confident and could conquer the world! I felt like people didn't want me around (and they likely didn't because I was inconsistent). I felt the most amazing, incredible, crushing sense of loss with even the simplest of goodbyes. Every hormone in my body was an individual emotion that needed to be felt and expressed. Budweiser commercials are clearly banned viewing for anyone with PMDD.
In my 20's, I became aware of my interactions with others.... as, I suspect, is usual. I started to notice that I felt amazing after my period had started. I felt what I expected my "normal" is, despite having incredible stress and anxiety just the day before. It comes as a wave of relief.... like popping a good zit. One day I will be panicking because "Nothing is going right" and "everything must be done NOW!" and the very next day I'm not too worried about it. This was my normal. It took seeing other people reacting to me to get me to notice that it wasn't normal. For anyone who was close to me, they were still reeling for days after my high-anxiety panic. They would walk on eggshells, because they thought they might set me off. During the same time I'd be "over it" and wondering what the fuss was about. Imagine being in a relationship where your partner was someone else for 10 days, then you have to learn to trust them before they just change back again.
It took a stubborn man to help me figure it out. Marcelo was not shy about telling me my faults, so I became more aware of how my behavior was being perceived. I started tracking it: I learned that on Day 10, I get grumpy, sometimes depressed. On Day 5, the insatiability starts. Day 4 usually starts bringing on the sadness. Day 2 is migraine day. Day 1 is "clean everything in sight" day. (there are *some* benefits! :) ). My "inconsistent" found a pattern.
All throughout those 10 days, I'm at the mercy of my hormones. Yes, I can control it somewhat, but it's like controlling your fear when you a spider jumps at you. You know it's not necessary, but you *feel* it, so you react. I learned how to deal with it. I don't leave the house much and avoid social situations Day 10 - Day 2 in most months.
Over the last few years, after being diagnosed, I tracked my moods and changes every month. I've tried everything the doctor's recommended ... birth control (should no longer be recommended for PMDD), antidepressants (until I discovered that I don't have any depression outside of those 10 days), and the ever-present anti-anxiety meds. Nothing helped, I just have to be aware and accepting. I've read and researched and hoped.... I had taken to doing research on PMDD anytime I found myself in it's throes - Know Your Enemy, in a way. In October, as my then-current-boyfriend left me (on Day 4 - triggering a terrible 3 nights of grief and loss), I found a study that stated that the participants who'd had a full bilateral oophorectomy were experiencing near 100% relief of symptoms. To someone who's looking for hope, that's a pretty exciting number! I found another study that said something similar. I started reading blog posts and forums posts of people who've had it. I got insurance. I went to a specialist and he said "your life will change". Sold!
Should be exciting, yeah?! Except that I'm losing the person that I am for 10 days of the month. A third of the time. This is the part of me I'm excited to lose, so why am I afraid? What if this is the part of me that is who I want to be? What if this is the part of me that wants to be artistic? That wants to travel? To hear other people's stories? What if, after my surgery, my curiosity can actually be satiated? What if I no longer yearn to learn and pass on that knowledge?
Intellectually, I know that I'll be fine. The surgery has a good success rate in alleviating the symptoms and I will be the person I want to be, no longer at my hormones' whims. But tonight is Day 1... I will start my period tonight. Until I do, the sense of dread and anxiety will continue to grow until I fall asleep or I start my period. However, this is the last Day 1, for me. Ever.
I'm giddy!
You might start to think that this first post should be about why I'm starting this blog now. That would make sense. But have you ever tried to start a blog? It has been much harder than I expected. The thought of writing down your thoughts sounds like a great one, until it goes from thoughts to paper. What finally prompted me to start doing it is a much bigger subject than just one post, so I will focus on something more topical... my surgery.
If you are a FB friend, it's likely that you know I have scheduled some surgery in a few weeks. A lot of people don't know why, and they've asked. I think that it's worth sharing a bit of the story...
My surgery is a full hysterectomy with bilateral salpingo-oophorectomy. In other words, it's allll coming out.
I keep getting asked if I'm worried about it at all. Aside from my friend, Superwoman (and you know who you are!), people can have some significant healing time. As it is, I'm scheduled for 2 nights in the hospital, and they say to schedule 2 weeks away from work.
But, no, I'm not worried about the surgery at all. I'm so excited about it. Giddy, actually!
Except that I am scared of one thing.... I'm losing a part of me. I'm not worried not the physical part... I've never wanted to produce my own children, so all the parts coming out are spare parts I won't miss. But I'm losing the part of me that I've wanted gone for so long - this "other person" I become. I'm losing my PMDD.
PMDD is Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder. It's usually likened to PMS because that makes it easy to explain, but it is different. It's a relatively newly identified disorder, and not very well understood. What we do know is that the symptoms are caused, not by abnormal hormone changes (as in PMS), but by how your body reacts to those hormones when they change. A body with PMDD is going to overreact to even normal hormone changes. Do you know how much a woman's hormones change during the month?!? Let's stay non-technical and just say "a lot"!
It's when the luteal phase hits (approximately 10 days before the first day of shark week, aka "Day 10") when things get exciting..... My parents used to say I was a roller coaster of emotions. One moment I was happy, maybe even ecstatic. The next moment I was sobbing with a grief that no one could ever understand. I felt like every thing I said was the wrong thing. I was such an idiot and I know that everyone saw that. I was also brilliant and confident and could conquer the world! I felt like people didn't want me around (and they likely didn't because I was inconsistent). I felt the most amazing, incredible, crushing sense of loss with even the simplest of goodbyes. Every hormone in my body was an individual emotion that needed to be felt and expressed. Budweiser commercials are clearly banned viewing for anyone with PMDD.
In my 20's, I became aware of my interactions with others.... as, I suspect, is usual. I started to notice that I felt amazing after my period had started. I felt what I expected my "normal" is, despite having incredible stress and anxiety just the day before. It comes as a wave of relief.... like popping a good zit. One day I will be panicking because "Nothing is going right" and "everything must be done NOW!" and the very next day I'm not too worried about it. This was my normal. It took seeing other people reacting to me to get me to notice that it wasn't normal. For anyone who was close to me, they were still reeling for days after my high-anxiety panic. They would walk on eggshells, because they thought they might set me off. During the same time I'd be "over it" and wondering what the fuss was about. Imagine being in a relationship where your partner was someone else for 10 days, then you have to learn to trust them before they just change back again.
It took a stubborn man to help me figure it out. Marcelo was not shy about telling me my faults, so I became more aware of how my behavior was being perceived. I started tracking it: I learned that on Day 10, I get grumpy, sometimes depressed. On Day 5, the insatiability starts. Day 4 usually starts bringing on the sadness. Day 2 is migraine day. Day 1 is "clean everything in sight" day. (there are *some* benefits! :) ). My "inconsistent" found a pattern.
All throughout those 10 days, I'm at the mercy of my hormones. Yes, I can control it somewhat, but it's like controlling your fear when you a spider jumps at you. You know it's not necessary, but you *feel* it, so you react. I learned how to deal with it. I don't leave the house much and avoid social situations Day 10 - Day 2 in most months.
Over the last few years, after being diagnosed, I tracked my moods and changes every month. I've tried everything the doctor's recommended ... birth control (should no longer be recommended for PMDD), antidepressants (until I discovered that I don't have any depression outside of those 10 days), and the ever-present anti-anxiety meds. Nothing helped, I just have to be aware and accepting. I've read and researched and hoped.... I had taken to doing research on PMDD anytime I found myself in it's throes - Know Your Enemy, in a way. In October, as my then-current-boyfriend left me (on Day 4 - triggering a terrible 3 nights of grief and loss), I found a study that stated that the participants who'd had a full bilateral oophorectomy were experiencing near 100% relief of symptoms. To someone who's looking for hope, that's a pretty exciting number! I found another study that said something similar. I started reading blog posts and forums posts of people who've had it. I got insurance. I went to a specialist and he said "your life will change". Sold!
Should be exciting, yeah?! Except that I'm losing the person that I am for 10 days of the month. A third of the time. This is the part of me I'm excited to lose, so why am I afraid? What if this is the part of me that is who I want to be? What if this is the part of me that wants to be artistic? That wants to travel? To hear other people's stories? What if, after my surgery, my curiosity can actually be satiated? What if I no longer yearn to learn and pass on that knowledge?
Intellectually, I know that I'll be fine. The surgery has a good success rate in alleviating the symptoms and I will be the person I want to be, no longer at my hormones' whims. But tonight is Day 1... I will start my period tonight. Until I do, the sense of dread and anxiety will continue to grow until I fall asleep or I start my period. However, this is the last Day 1, for me. Ever.
I'm giddy!
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